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I have had a hectic, crazy week preparing for the writers festival. It was a brilliant weekend, but I do think I have worn out baby a little. Not to mention squishing him/her while bending over to retrieve my fallen mascara from the font of the car. Yes, I was trying to apply makeup as Todd drove us (late) to another dinner. I bought a book called Squish Rabbit as our first book to our little person! Apart from that, baby and Mum coped remarkably well.  There was much baby love around and I felt extremely Zen, chilled and incredibly happy. Todd and I had fun nights out, and I love him more than ever.

Todd has had a busy weekend as well. He has been painting the baby’s room. I can’t help but love that he is nesting and preparing our home for our little one. He doesn’t talk to baby much yet, but is happy to with encouragement and loves to have a ‘baby joke’ with me. Like the other morning laying in bed I told him to feel my belly as everything was sitting to one side. He did but then started poking around. This was strange for him as he is usually so careful and cautious of my belly (unlike me!).

‘What are you doing?’ I asked?

‘Teaching the baby to kick.’

I had to laugh.

I can’t feel the baby move yet. I keep waiting for it, like it is a once off thing that I am going to miss if I don’t catch it. I have to remind myself that the first time will be the first of many and that they will continue to grow and get stronger and I will feel my baby more.

Sometimes I worry that I am not connected to my baby as much as others talk about. But then I think this is silly.

I talk to baby, in my mind. I think about it all the time and joke with Todd about it. I rub my belly constantly and love the feeling of getting bigger and growing, even though I can’t feel where anything is yet.

I may not sit and tell big stories or sing lullaby’s (I don’t think I remember any words to them and I am pretty sure Todd will be singing Metal to sooth the baby) but I am connected in my own way. I may not keep a scrapbook of pregnancy milestones but I am writing this, which to me, is incredibly special. It is a record of our journey together.

I think the baby tells me things without me knowing sometimes. It lets me know, like how good it feels to talk to Lynda about natural birth, and I walk away from a brief time or conversation lighter, happier, stronger and re-energised. Sometimes I wonder if I have as much choice in the birth as I think, or baby is making its way into the world the way it wants and we only have to be smart enough to listen.

A close friend of mine says birth is magical. I never would have thought that I would be feeling this way, but it truly is. There are forces working from within and from without, drawing people into my life. Is it fate? Am I changing because of the pregnancy, or the baby? Am I acting on the world around me and inviting this or is the world acting on me and guiding me into a happier, lighter sense of being? Probably, it is both.

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