We have started to think up names. At Todd’s suggestion I came up with seven boy and seven girls names. He didn’t stick to his end of the bargain and instead comes up with names from things that he sees around. The latest is Oke (he saw a Karaoke sign last night). I think this is going to take much discussion!
Todd is taking an interest in all that is happening – reading websites and asking questions. Ok, so he was searching the Internet after I had yet again woken him up at three in the morning, irritable that the fan was on. Once I had rectified the fan situation and given him an earful. I finally drifted back to peaceful sleep, leaving him wondering what the hell I was so cranky about and would it last for the next seven months!? It’s hard to explain the depths of tiredness and frustration at nightly insomnia to someone. I certainly didn’t have the patience at three am as I was woken by arctic temperatures because Todd was hot when he came to bed. I joke but in all we have been really extremely happy. We do not squabble over trivial issues anymore. I think we both know there is something bigger going on for us and we need to love and appreciate each other even more.
We are trying to figure out our birthing options at the moment. I am fairly adamant that I want as little intervention as possible, and to let my body do what is natural. It is also paramount that Todd be an essential part of the birthing and labour process. We are keen to learn how to do it all ourselves and at the moment are trying to explore the possibility of home birth. There are not too many options for this available but I think we will be able to find what we want. Telling the parents this decision may be another stumbling block!
We have told all our immediate family of the pregnancy and their reactions have been truly wonderful. It is so nice to be excited with them. I have told work friends as it was a bit to keep a secret – what with trying to avoid all the x-ray and chemicals etc. but we are trying to keep quiet until the magical week 12 mark. I know that something could go wrong at any time, but for us that’s the point we have decided to shout it from the rooftops. For the moment, I like keeping it close to us for a while.
30 June 2012: The First 10 Weeks
I felt instantly pregnant. I was five weeks when we found out and over the next two weeks the changes in me were noticeable. I think I have had just about every symptom possible in pregnancy so far and I swear they were there before I read about them! The going to the toilet a hundred times was obvious, one that was less recognisable – to me at least, was the abdominal muscle pain. It was like I had been doing crunches or had invested in an ab-swing when in fact I hadn’t been doing anything at all. Before I knew I was pregnant I even asked the acupuncturist if some of the needles could have passively stimulated my abdominal muscles causing the ache. Nope, just pregnant.
I was forgetting everything! It wasn’t just that I was distracted with these secret thoughts – ‘I have a baby in me you know!’ It was more than that – it was a tangible loss of cognitive capabilities. I locked myself out of the house, lost my car keys – twice, left my glasses in absurd places. I pretty much had to rely on lists just to manage my day-to-day life.
I was nauseous all day and the only thing that made it better was to eat. Not looking good for the waist-line. To compound matters – I had to stop running as my boobs were so sore I thought I might do damage if I kept running!
I decided swimming was the key. I was at the pool doing laps and as I got out – I felt faint. I’m not a fainter. I work in the operating theatre – stand for hours on end working on body parts and I never faint. Here I was hovering beside the pool – a newly diagnosed fainter, wow this really was changing everything quickly.
Pre-pregnancy I was determined that babies would not take over my entire life. I was desperate not to become all consumed with ‘trying’. I exercised, started training, entering competitions, started new projects and before I new it my life was full. Or so I thought. Along with the two blue lines came the realisation that all is about to change.
Early on I thought I would not succumb to my life being taken over. After all, I had spent thirty years developing myself into the person I am – I wasn’t about to let all that go. I’m afraid though – for now at least, I don’t think I have a choice in the matter. My body is taking over and there is no reasoning. No longer can I push through being tired – I have to just go lay down. I lay awake at night and think about the baby, the pregnancy, the birth, imagine our baby, I want to wake up Todd to ask him what he thinks about cloth nappies or which room to convert. And occasionally, in the early days, I’ll admit – I literally crossed my legs and prayed that the baby would stay put.
So yes, the baby is taking over almost every waking thought. It slips into conversation without me knowing and constantly wavers at the edge of my brain. But in truth I love it, and wouldn’t have it any other way. Writing is a part of me that I don’t think I will ever lose, and for the moment what better way to preserve my memories, a part of myself, and our growing family, than to capture it in words.
There have been pains, aches, almost constant nausea and debilitating tiredness but I would not change one part of it for the world. Even as I wander around staving off the nausea I am glad that it is there – it is a sign that our baby is growing.
I feel truly blessed. I always wondered why people used that word so much in pregnancy. I’m far from religious but it seems one of the best ways to describe this feeling. I just feel so lucky. So lucky to be able to grow this baby, so lucky to be able to stay home and raise a baby, so lucky to share the love of a great man and to enjoy having his baby.