This morning I felt a very active baby move for the first time! Well actually it was the second. The first was when Todd and I were laying on the couch. He had his hands around my belly and I was sure I felt a soft rumbling right under where his fingers were. We weren’t 100%, but this morning I felt it again. It was in the same spot, low down and to the left. I am imagining a little foot scooting along inside. I think you were saying hello to your Daddy baby, I think you knew he was there. It really is hard to describe the feeling, but it is almost like little bubbles erupting or the soft thrill you can feel from a fistula in vascular surgery – but I am feeling it from the inside. The vascular reference isn’t of course as whimsical as bubbles or butterfly kisses but that’s what it feels like to me. Or like running your fingers down a venetian blind – if you could soften the sensation tenfold. I have never felt anything like it before. Magical.
I went to a friends Hen’s party last night. It was a really good night. A part of me wished I could have a cocktail or champagne with the girls. Another part of me wanted to be at home curled up in bed – I have been feeling weary again lately. I did the best of both and nursed a mocktail and enjoyed the girls company for a few hours until I found myself unable to control the escaping yawn and I realised it was time to leave the party.
Today I recovered by spending a few indulgent hours on the couch. As I lounged, I noticed the sounds of our house. The leaf-blower man, the way Tau (we are dog-sitting a Great Dane) clicks his nails along the wooden deck before slumping into a heap – exhausted from a day of sleep. The way he bounds up the stairs proud as punch after escaping yet again for a few stolen minutes of freedom. I’m sure he only hits two or three stairs on his leap up – but it sounds like rolling thunder. These are the sounds of Tau. I got to thinking how the sounds of our house will change. A baby’s breathing, a baby’s cry, a whisper between parents above a sleeping baby’s heavy breath… these will soon be the sound of our home. I imagine this and again I am filled with the joy, to know that we are so lucky to have all this. That I am so lucky to have made some good decisions amongst, what at times has seemed like a sea of bad. I wonder, do most couples experience this romantic feeling of love and togetherness when starting a family? Or are we luckier than most? If it is the former, what happens along the way to make people forget, get divorced, complacent, busy? I hope we never do. If being pregnant and having a baby changes people like this, if I am not alone… what happens along the way to change things?
I suppose in a way, this journal is a reminder, my reminder of how I am feeling. I wrote in our travel journal years ago when Todd and I went on out first adventures in the camper van. I wrote about the simple things, the way his hand felt around my shoulder, the way he would kiss my head and I felt so belonging. I didn’t know it then, but this was love. The feeling of home, of safe. I knew I never wanted to forget how I felt in that moment. I wrote about it and I can still pull it back into my mind vividly. I am hoping this is the same.