It feels as though I haven’t written for a while. It has been a busy time. We got engaged! I won’t relate the whole story, suffice to say, it was romantic, beautiful, a complete surprise and I truly do feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Last week I started to get a little overwhelmed with my end-stage pregnancy regime. What with work, writing, planning and all the evening primrose oil, pregnancy and iron supplements, Raspberry leaf tea, yoga, massages (yes perineal as well as the good kind) not to mention the boob manhandling in readiness for breastfeeding, it started to feel like quite a production.
It got me thinking that timing is everything – week 35 start this, week 32 we did that. I am a big planner by nature and I thought of spread sheeting the regime to keep it all straight in my head but I have come to realise that this is not the way birthing works.
I have been having some early pre-labour pains. It took me a while to realise; firstly what they were, secondly that they were continuing and thirdly that I just have to work with my baby and body until the time comes for baby to join this outside world. I have to take it all as it comes and I have to listen. The first thing I did was to reduce my final shifts at work. My back was aching, my pain was increasing – I knew that I was overdoing it. It’s funny, it’s a hard thing to ask for time off. I would normally (stubbornly) ride out aches and pains or illness, but I am learning. Something inside me was telling me that it was time. I am so relived that I did – the final few days have been a joy rather than a painful burden.
I have scaled back the raspberry leaf tea for a week or so to see if this reduces the pains. Yoga continues daily as does my hypnobirthing relaxation and practice, but even this adapts. I had a fairly intense session last night and felt I had overstretched. Normally I would continue to push myself but this morning I realised that all I needed was gentle moves to keep my body flexible and supple. I spent the rest of the time on my yoga mat listening to hypnobirth relaxation. On the warm deck with the rain surrounding me and the electric green birdwing butterflies out to play, I reached an inner peace, a deep relaxation. There is no amount of satisfaction that crossing off a list, or completing a spreadsheet could give to compare with this. I am learning to surrender. I know I will never get this time back and I am enjoying it.
I talk to baby all the time now. Often its just saying hello or reassuring that all is going well and that you’re doing great, or quietly encouraging to stay in for the time being and to just grow and enjoy for a little longer.
I know all the preparation will be worth it. It already is. And I know when the time does come we will figure it out together.