I was thinking about the blog last night and about my transition over this time. I thought I could call the blog Mummy Steps! I don’t know why I am contemplating changing the title constantly, but it is probably because I am changing constantly. I love that writing this blog echo’s my evolving nature.
It is a little tough to be uploading my posts from the past on a daily basis as my thoughts and feelings have progressed so much since then. It does however highlight this very fact to me. I have developed through this pregnancy along with my baby.
I compare the blog titled ‘Bring it on’. When editing I started to make it sound more like where I am at the moment – that the labour is not a challenge to overcome but rather an experience to surrender to. But in the end I left it as was. It is a record of how I was feeling at the time and an important step in psyching myself up.
There is a shift in me. I no longer feel the need to convince myself or others of our choices. I have moved to a place of simple acceptance and it feels really nice to be here. The anxiety is gone. My mind is calm and amazingly enough the dreams have stopped. I mentioned this shift to Lynda the last time we met. She said that many women get to this point at some time. Where they let it all go and in essence surrender to what will be. I am trusting in my body and my baby, and that when it comes to the day(s) of labour I will continue to surrender and let what needs to happen, just be.
I feel I have arrived here largely due to the reflection that it has taken to write these entries. I have not been able to let my pregnancy whiz by without thought or attention. And even though some days there seemed far too few hours in the day, I am glad that I have done this.
I have learnt so much about women and birth because I have had to when considering a home birth. I have learnt so much about myself because I have taken the time to listen to myself and I have confronted fears and deep hidden troubles. I have learnt so much about human nature because I have been open and not closed off from any viewpoints.
I am so excited that people from New York to Romania are reading my blog. It is a journey for me and about me, but it is a journey many have taken. One of growth and learning, transitioning from a closed mind to one of embracing all that can be. I have found myself reading with interest the blogs of others. It continues to amaze me the talent, insight and imagination of ‘everyday’ people. Connecting with strangers from all over the world, reading of their lives, thoughts, and daily happenings is truly inspirational. We really are all connected.
I was reading that in most cultures it is instinctive for mothers to cradle their newborns at the left breast, and when the babies are in skin-to-skin contact they are in contact with their mother’s heart rhythm. There are many things that I love about this. Firstly, that it is instinctive to cradle baby to the heart. In researching my novel I discovered that in most cultures when people are asked to refer to themselves they will point to their chest, their heart. There is a connectedness with our essence, our hearts and even others that can not easily be explained. We may not understand all that there is to know about ourselves. And isn’t it enlightening to entertain the possibility that we are more connected than researchers yet understand?
Secondly, I love that Mothers still carry forth this instinct. After years of ‘evolution’ of the birth process, there is something so deeply ingrained into us that we have yet to lose it. The nature of love, care and connection remains, the strength unbroken.
Finally this idea parallels thoughts that I have been exploring in my novel and it seems that it all really is linked or … connected. I use this word in the sense of an intangible force.
We are connected,
One force acts on another,
One cell rubs against,
One push, pulls someone distant,
And power transfers uncharted.