After my sleepless night and impending worry that tried to invade every thought I took a few days to return to normal. That seems to be the way this journey is progressing. I am happy, comfortable, in control and then all of a sudden something will come up (placenta, a comment, a criticism, a blog site) and I am totally thrown into a spin and it takes a few days to come down. Usually this involves writing it all out cathartically, talking to Todd, exploring, reading and coming to either established or new conclusions. Todd allows me a sounding board to express my fears, work through them and has a way of reminding me of things I already know but that I forget in the heat of the moment. I have Lynda if I need as well, but usually by the time I meet up with her I have run the circle and have it all sorted in my head again!
I found myself laying in bed closing my eyes and asking myself ‘What do I want? What do I feel?’ I really tried to be honest and block out all the noise. I came back to wanting no intervention. Wanting the magic. That is just me, how I feel, I believe. I had a chance to take another option when we discovered the little placenta. I could have respectfully jumped ship… ‘Oh we wanted home birth – I would have done it except for…’ But I didn’t, instead I felt like I was missing out. I didn’t realise how much I really wanted it, until I couldn’t have it.
I must learn not to put so much weight in what other people think. I am learning slowly but this is difficult for me. I am a confident person, but to not have the approval of everybody is a difficult concept. When someone throws me into a spin, Todd often asks ‘Why do you care so much what so and so thinks?’ I don’t really have an answer, I just know that I do. I also know that I shouldn’t. I am not talking about professional or justified opinions, that is a different kettle all together and we do consider those things greatly. I am referring to the lady down the road (not literally!) who screws her face up, or something like that. I can’t help it, it does get to me sometimes. I also know that I need to again pull up my big girl pants because sure as hell, everyone is going to have an opinion on how we parent! We will be too lax, too tough, not enough discipline, too much discipline etc. etc. Maybe ignoring this is the first step in focusing on our family and our decisions and not taking on everyone else’s. Again, I’m so glad we have so much incubation time to adjust to this!
It’s funny, I am uploading all of my old posts to catch up to the present. As I am reading them I am amazed at how much my views have changed – how much I have changed over the relatively short time. I have been tempted to alter them a little so that they fit better to how I am feeling now, but I can’t do that. That would defeat the whole purpose of sharing the journey, I want to show just that – the changes.
I have reached a very good ground with Mum, and she has come to terms with things now so I was especially tempted to take out the parts about her initial reaction. But as I said in the introduction I am going to attempt to be as honest as I can, and that was where we started our dialogue on the topic! I can understand her fear and worry. One thing I have learnt is that there is no right or wrong answer here. No one is going to tell you – it is absolutely best to hospital/home birth – well they will, but that is just their opinion – not an absolute fact. You can never judge another’s decision, journey or situation – no matter how foreign it seems to your beliefs. You will most likely never fully understand their unique set if situations/ feelings/ beliefs/ experiences that guided them to make the choices they did or have the births they did. So how could one possibly judge? So much goes into these decisions how can someone else walk in your shoes and know your reasoning. And as I said, there is no definite right answer for all.
At dinner a friend of mine who has newly purchased a block of land was saying that she has heard so many different ideas on building a house and she didn’t know who was right. Some people tell her – ‘It was the worst thing I ever did, never again’. Others tell her – ‘I loved it I will always build’. It struck me that birth choices are similar – there is no absolute right or wrong answer for everyone, only a set of circumstances, a choice and an outcome. I did not relay my comparison at the dinner table – it is a bit of a leap from house plans to birth plans. 🙂
I am glad I changed the name to Babysteps – as I have said all along, I don’t know the ending (beginning really) of this story. I do not know how our baby will birth. I like the idea of home birth for all the reasons above, and yes it feels right for us, but I don’t intend on being the poster child for home birth. I would never try to say that it is the right decision for everyone. If reading this journey prompts people to explore their options more, and their ability to make informed choices in ANY setting then I think that is the best outcome that I could hope for. The only thing I would recommend to all – find out more. Take Babysteps.