I have left it too long to write! There is a mass of buzzing thoughts in my head and I have not been strict enough in getting them down. There is a bundle of scraps of paper littering my handbag with words like, hormone surge scribbled on them.
In this past week and a half… I finished my last uni assignment. I am at Uni part time, writing a novel, working full time and growing a baby – glutton for punishment I know! But now that uni has finished I can concentrate on writing things I enjoy, like this journal and my novel instead of dead-boring post grad assignments.
I have taken to listening to recorded podcasts about pregnancy and childbirth that Lynda has given us. I drive about an hour a day so have plenty of time to listen. It is a great way to absorb into the baby world and when I discovered I had finished them I was disappointed to have to tune back into the real world of financial or political news. We have also been watching more pregnancy and birth DVD’s from Lynda (how do people survive without a Doula!?). We can watch something and then talk about what we think about it in the moment. It often sparks conversations we wouldn’t have thought of. And we are building up vagina tolerance! Lynda gave us the first lot of DVD’s with the recommendation – start with these – not so many vaginas, these ones – more vaginas. There was one lady who held up a photo taken exactly as her baby was crowning – yep we know what birth looks like.
I have kept reading about my strange placenta and the more I delve deeper into the subject the more I feel comfortable with it. The scary Google websites are there but I have read the studies and research in depth. I will get another scan later – just to make sure that the vessels are still clear of the lower region, but everyone (midwives/obstetricians) reassures me it is no problem, nothing to worry about at all, we just need to check that both parts come out.
I have given up on trying to pick whether the baby will be boy or girl. For the first trimester I was convinced boy, after the 20 week scan (gee was that only two weeks ago?) – convinced girl. Now I am back to being unsure. I guess it will really be a total surprise.
Nesting in the forest is in full swing. Lucky, because I don’t know how baby will cope if we haven’t cleaned every cupboard from top to bottom, taken three loads to Vinnies or I haven’t stacked my Tupperware. Yes my tongue is firmly in cheek but I am taking advise and getting it all in hand before my energy stores apparently vanish in the third trimester. I am so looking forward to that relaxing time when the house is done and I am on maternity leave and I can just do yoga, read and potter around and wait for baby. To get there I have been planning and preparing like any good Type A personality – I have spreadsheeted our ‘To Do List’ and I am happy to say I am ahead in most things. This is honestly the first time ever I have completed an assignment a month before its due.
Back to the hormone surge. I don’t know if it’s normal but I am pretty sure I have had a hormone surge similar to the ones I had all through the first trimester. For the last few days I have been nauseous on and off, teary and awake at night again. In part of my cleaning I came across an old recipe that I made early on in the pregnancy. I made stock from scratch and had to boil bones down – the whole bit. Now, here is a confession, I had only just found out that I was pregnant and I thought surely all this stock juice is full of good nutrients for the baby, so I dunked in a piece of toast. I am not a big meat eater at the best of times, and here I was dunking toast, thinking I would get really good iron! It didn’t taste that bad, but ever since the thought of it makes me sick. As I said, I came across the recipe yesterday and I had to just throw it out. Writing this now and I feel sick at the thought of it! Luckily for me, so far I have craved fresh things, like juice and fruit and the additional pizza. At the moment all I can think about is an All Berry Bang Boost juice and I am leaving early for work just so I can get one.
I also had a period of ‘quiet baby’. One day I realised that baby wasn’t moving as much, and I started to worry. The kicks had gradually been getting stronger and more prominent each couple of days and then all of a sudden I realised I hadn’t felt much for a few days. I was laying awake at night quietly panicking, trying to reassure myself. I knew it was all alright. I kept telling myself this, but but for love nor money I could not go back to sleep. I, of course, reached out the trusty phone and Googled all I could on quiet baby, there were scary stories and reassuring stories, and in the end I had to resign myself to waiting. At some point I fell asleep. I woke and waited again. There it was, big strong kicks from bub to greet me in the morning. Relief. And the kicks have stayed strong. The baby must have just been tucked in a pocket I couldn’t feel. Another sleepless night did not help with the tired, teary emotional me the next couple of days.
My dreams have been spectacular, and waking up during the night helps me to remember them. Some have been scary, worrying, sad, strange, reassuring, but all have been vivid. I have been taking the time to look at what they might mean for me. One that stuck in my mind, I was bounding over creeks and swinging through trees. I took a huge bellyflop from one of my tree-swings and splashed into the murky water below. I got out on the other side only to have someone come up to me saying it was lucky I got out because there was a crocodile. I turned back to see the biggest darkest shinest crocodile emerge from the muddy water. We looked at each other and I was a bit worried but at the same time not. I just kind of shrugged and kept on my way and was fine. That same night I dreamt I was swimming in really dark water. It was so dark I kept holding my hands in front of my face and marvelling that I could hardly see them. I was running from someone – like when you play Marco Polo as a kid – and I thought how good it was that I could hide away in this water and they could not find me. I felt comfortable swimming and diving deep under the water, it was when I came up into the world that I had to think about getting away again. Now these dreams are kind of strange but they were just so vivid and intriguing that I had to look them up. Now this is purely from a Google search so I may be up the garden path but…
- To see a crocodile in your dream symbolises freedom, hidden strength and power. It may also warn of hidden danger. They can symbolise a journey or taking time to digest or stew on something that you are working through. They are good mothers and a maternal and protective symbol.
- Water is a powerful dream symbol that holds deep messages to the dreamer and represents your current emotional state of mind. Being underwater is exploring deep into the unconscious. Muddy water symbolises a mixture of things that are known and things that are unknown – mixed emotions. Still water suggests peace.
There is a wealth of information and I have selected the bits that I think relate to me. At first when I read things like ‘lurking threat’ I thought of my placenta. But this interpretation didn’t really fit. I felt empowered in the dreams not scared. I think now, it may be symbolical of my emotional journey. Of the fear I had following the scan, of jumping quickly to the ‘hospital ship’ and then eventually, gradually listening to myself and finding my own power and voice again.