I have told one of my closest friends (I have never been good at keeping surprises!). It was lovely, and I am so looking forward to telling the rest over this next couple of weeks. Most of the people at work know now – it is impossible to keep it a secret. Their response has been really wonderful and it takes me by surprise how all of a sudden you feel kind of special and looked after.
We have been talking about having a home birth lately and have met with Lynda – our possible doula. She was wonderful and we are more than ever convinced that this is the way we want to go. Now it is a matter of finding a midwife who will deliver for us. No easy feat as at the moment there are none in the area. I hope the politics of this beautiful event in a family’s life changes soon. Never fear – Lynda is on to it and I think she will get lucky. I think about the birth quite a lot and am excited to do it our way. I have a vision in my head of what it will be like – right up to picking out the spot it will happen! I think this is really healthy and I am not afraid of the birth or pain at all, only excited to share this with Todd and meet our baby and have our time together as a new family, and then enjoy time with the rest of the family. I am sure it will happen the way we want. Of course there is a little niggle in the back of my mind, hoping that everything will be ok and the baby healthy. But I don’t think this has anything to do with our decision for a home birth. I have come to realise that this is a part of having a child. It doesn’t end when you are out of the 12 week danger period, it doesn’t end when you see 24 weeks and know the baby could survive if born, it doesn’t end when you hit the magical due date. This is what I am discovering – worry about our children will be part of our lives for the rest of our lives. We can only hope to make the best decisions for them, to create the safest, most secure loving and welcoming environment that enables them to grow into themselves. I believe this starts at birth, and that’s why we have chosen a home birth.
It’s funny, someone said to me the other day – ‘Oh your going to be a Mum soon.’ Now I know this –right? I have been growing a baby for 11 weeks, but this comment totally threw me! I had always thought of ‘the baby’ and not so much that I would be ‘the MUM’!! It hit me hard. Oh shit! The responsibility. I am that person! Someone’s Mum!? I told Todd that night and we laughed. It happened to him when he wrote in an email ‘I’m going to be a Dad’. We say it to each other often now – just to make sure we are used to the idea by the time this little one arrives!
It’s funny that all of a sudden – our we becomes three and me is now two. I have forever been conscious of exercise and fitness and eating healthy. But all of a sudden everything I do, eat, think about, how much I sleep, rest, work, how many laps I do at the pool, my heart-rate is all related to how good it is for the baby. Ok so I admit – the odd cheeseburger – that’s just for me. What was I saying about not losing my head or myself? Oh right that was in about week 7 – man how much has changed since then!
I have been mixing the new with the old school and I have this app called positive pregnancy. I have been listening to it when I can’t sleep at night – which is often. It is a relaxation message and calms you down then guides you into positive thoughts about the baby and you, your body and birth. It leaves me with a really lovely feeling of wellbeing – highly recommended.
Back to the no sleep… as lovely as all this pregnancy stuff is I have to admit there are times when this baby wreaks havoc with my system. Just the other morning I had a meltdown. I had not slept nearly all night, you know – lying awake with your mind running faster than Usain Bolt and fighting to get into sleep zone. Far too soon the time came to get up and my body screamed no. I had planned to go to the pool before work and had lists of all these things I had to do (ok so some of them I had dreamt up in my sleepless hours and weren’t really necessary but I didn’t see that at the time). I was overwhelmed with tiredness, I just wanted to crawl under the blankets and sleep for days, but how could I – I had so many commitments! I thought about not going to work and staying put – but I should go to the pool I thought. If I don’t it’s just being lazy. Well if I go to the pool I had better bloody well be going to work. But I’m so tired I might lash out at some poor unsuspecting sole and besides I am feeling like a bit of a useless lump anyway because I have to avoid so many things in my job and not everyone knows I’m pregnant. I’m sick of not being able to do my job, sick of being sick, sick of bloody not sleeping!! But if I don’t go… what if this is only the start and it gets worse before it gets better? You can see my train of thought right… anyway after a few tears and eventual giggles with Todd I agreed to stay in bed for a few more hours and catch up on sleep and not worry about the pool that morning. I did manage to make it to work and instead of lashing out, I laughed with a friend about my meltdown. What can I say – it’s not roses everyday.