I felt instantly pregnant. I was five weeks when we found out and over the next two weeks the changes in me were noticeable. I think I have had just about every symptom possible in pregnancy so far and I swear they were there before I read about them! The going to the toilet a hundred times was obvious, one that was less recognisable – to me at least, was the abdominal muscle pain. It was like I had been doing crunches or had invested in an ab-swing when in fact I hadn’t been doing anything at all. Before I knew I was pregnant I even asked the acupuncturist if some of the needles could have passively stimulated my abdominal muscles causing the ache. Nope, just pregnant.
I was forgetting everything! It wasn’t just that I was distracted with these secret thoughts – ‘I have a baby in me you know!’ It was more than that – it was a tangible loss of cognitive capabilities. I locked myself out of the house, lost my car keys – twice, left my glasses in absurd places. I pretty much had to rely on lists just to manage my day-to-day life.
I was nauseous all day and the only thing that made it better was to eat. Not looking good for the waist-line. To compound matters – I had to stop running as my boobs were so sore I thought I might do damage if I kept running!
I decided swimming was the key. I was at the pool doing laps and as I got out – I felt faint. I’m not a fainter. I work in the operating theatre – stand for hours on end working on body parts and I never faint. Here I was hovering beside the pool – a newly diagnosed fainter, wow this really was changing everything quickly.
Pre-pregnancy I was determined that babies would not take over my entire life. I was desperate not to become all consumed with ‘trying’. I exercised, started training, entering competitions, started new projects and before I new it my life was full. Or so I thought. Along with the two blue lines came the realisation that all is about to change.
Early on I thought I would not succumb to my life being taken over. After all, I had spent thirty years developing myself into the person I am – I wasn’t about to let all that go. I’m afraid though – for now at least, I don’t think I have a choice in the matter. My body is taking over and there is no reasoning. No longer can I push through being tired – I have to just go lay down. I lay awake at night and think about the baby, the pregnancy, the birth, imagine our baby, I want to wake up Todd to ask him what he thinks about cloth nappies or which room to convert. And occasionally, in the early days, I’ll admit – I literally crossed my legs and prayed that the baby would stay put.
So yes, the baby is taking over almost every waking thought. It slips into conversation without me knowing and constantly wavers at the edge of my brain. But in truth I love it, and wouldn’t have it any other way. Writing is a part of me that I don’t think I will ever lose, and for the moment what better way to preserve my memories, a part of myself, and our growing family, than to capture it in words.
There have been pains, aches, almost constant nausea and debilitating tiredness but I would not change one part of it for the world. Even as I wander around staving off the nausea I am glad that it is there – it is a sign that our baby is growing.
I feel truly blessed. I always wondered why people used that word so much in pregnancy. I’m far from religious but it seems one of the best ways to describe this feeling. I just feel so lucky. So lucky to be able to grow this baby, so lucky to be able to stay home and raise a baby, so lucky to share the love of a great man and to enjoy having his baby.