Todd and I have been trying for a baby for a year. I have peed on countless sticks, and each time with the same pang of disappointment, closely followed by renewing the self-talk and positivity you need, to stop from falling into the well of despair. You would have thought that when the test finally showed two blue lines that I would have been elated, but sitting in the work toilet I was overtaken by shock.
How could I be shocked you wonder? Believe me, I did too, after all we were on fertility treatment – I should have been expecting this. Well for starters, the last round of treatment was not supposed to have worked. Five weeks earlier my blood test showed a practically non-existent progesterone level and two subsequent negative pregnancy tests a week apart confirmed that it wasn’t a mistake. This round had not worked.
So there I was – racking up the days in my cycle, trying not to count (it was day 52), trying not to wonder when I would be able to try again. For some reason I had resisted taking the medication that was to bring on my absent cycle. I thank the Gods now – maybe it was intuition, maybe it was that I was resisting more artificial intervention, maybe it was me hoping that the acupuncturist I had starting seeing would work. Whatever the case, I was in the land of the waiting again. With Todd away for a buck’s weekend, I was contemplating a long bath and glass of wine after I finished work. I don’t know why – maybe it was the thought of a glass of wine but for some reason I did a test at work, just to put my mind at rest, to convince myself that I wasn’t secretly pregnant.
So that’s how I ended up in a cubicle staring at two lines, silently cursing happy but mostly shocked expletives at the toilet door. Come to think of it I don’t even know if it was silent. I rushed out, grabbed my phone and without even a thought called Todd. I found out later, he had his hands full, and was surrounded by mates as I squealed out ‘I’ve got news!’ The next few hours were a blur of shock, snatched and returned secret calls to each other. Mostly along the lines of ‘Are you serious!?’ – Todd, and ‘I’m freaking out!’ – me!
I managed to get home and did another test – different brand, same result. Needless to say there was no wine for the bath that night. My first reaction was not at all what I thought it would be. I was shocked, Todd was away, I didn’t feel ready or bizarrely, old enough for this.
There I was thirty-two, I’d known I wanted a baby for years, and we’d been trying for over a year and I was worrying I wasn’t ready!